Why am I here?

Christmas brought me many great gifts. Among some of the top I would note reedmaking supplies, a video ipod, and some great inspirational books. The books were from a person very close and dear to me, who wants to see me succeed in life and be happy doing it. He had been talking to me about these books, and one in particular...The Why Cafe. It's such an interesting book making you ask the questions of yourself: Why are you here? Are you afraid of death? Are you fufilled?

While reading it I began to think and decide why I am here. I have always told myself that I'm here to play music for anyone who wants to listen. My first memory comes from age 3 when I was watching an orchestra play and I pointed to it saying that I wanted to do that. At that age my parents and I really didn't think much of it, although they did start me in fiddle lessons. I never gave much thought to it until late high school and college. I began to realize that I knew why I was here a meer 3 years into my life, but it took many more years to understand that realization.

What I found hard to follow is doing what you love all the time to fufill your reason for being. Money is needed to live in this world, so I know that I'll have to do some things that I don't like. I'm hoping that I have done enough homework to be able to do what I want all day. The book talked about the fact that if you are doing what you want all day then you won't have a need to retire because if you retired you would be doing the same things anyway. I have never thought about retirement because I do love making music and I can't see what else I would do in retirement but make music.

The second question, Are you afraid of death? was an interesting one for me, because as the character in the book I'm not afraid of death, but I would rather not die now because I have so much to do still. The book explained that you need to do everything possible so that if you die the next day you won't regret what you haven't done. This is a very tough one for me because in my eyes I see things that can't happen unless another thing happens. I think I'll just have to be happy with what I have accomplished on that day and be happy with that.

The final question, Are you fufilled? is a very interesting question for me. I have two answers for it. I am fufilled with my craft of music, but not in my romantic life. I think that with both I would be fufilled, but I don't know for sure. This thought could only be me wanting to buy my happiness. I'm not sure, but we'll see once I get a partner to find out.

All the questions asked in this book really gave me some good things to ponder for awhile before I enter my final semester of school and grad school auditions. Hopefully this helps me find my way to push me where I need to be.

changing

I find it very interesting how quickly life can change for people. Today I learned that a person very close to me could possibly lose her job because of one vote by a company. She is living a good life right now. For the most part no worries, or problems...just working alot. Soon she could be out of a job and not sure what to do with her life. It really makes me think what could/will happen to me in the years to come. I am going to school to be a musician, but as I know that's a very scary business. There are not always guarantees of money to be able to pay for things like rent and food...the basics. I'm going to school to give myself the chance to make a living as an orchestral musician, but the road to get there is so expensive...paying for auditions and all the oboe materials I need to play the oboe are enough to make me broke. I wonder if I can really make it.

Tonight I had dessert with a dear friend of mine and he is always very philosophical with me and trying to make sure I'm doing what I love and it's not just to make people happy and like me. He talked about the book The Why Cafe which poses the question of why we are here on the earth...why do we exist on the earth. Being older he's had much more time to figure that out, and has, and is comfortable with it. I on the other hand, being much younger and still really at the beginning of my life don't have a great grasp on why I'm here. I generally figure I will know when it hits me in the nose. I like to think that it has to do with making music for many people across the world, but I really don't know for sure. He had his wife read it and she told him she didn't know why she was here. She taught music for 30 years and enjoyed it, and for most of her life thought that was the reason for her existance, but now in her years she's not really sure. It's just so interesting how you can think you know and not know at all.

We make so many decisions in life from which movie to watch to what should I do with my time on this earth. It's very hard to know whether or not the decisions we make today are going to be the correct ones later in our lives. Because things can change so quickly and we don't have much control over them we can look at past decisions as bad. Are they really? Or do they just not fit in with the changes that come at us so quickly?

I don't really know the answers to these questions, and I'm not sure I ever will. I have made many decisions in my life and I try not to look back on them and regret them because that was then and this is now. I can't do anything about the past. It is what it is. As I look to my future I see graduate studies, but I don't know where, and that uncertainty is very unsettling. Will I make the right decision? Will I practice enough to be accepted to these great schools in which I applied? I don't know. I just don't know. All I can do is take one day at a time. Use those one days to push myself to one ending goal that I am really not sure what it is. Happiness at death maybe? I don't really know. I guess what I'm trying to say is live in the moment. Don't wait for life to happen...make it happen.

Senior recital

Well, it's late and I can't sleep once again. It's more than likely because my mind is still racing from my recital two days ago...so why not post something. Sure.

Alright, so my senior recital was on Saturday. Overall I feel that it went pretty well. I had some mistakes in every piece, but who doesn't. I did surprise myself a few times. I played some things better than I ever had. It was truly amazing. I didn't have all the people there that I wanted, but the people that were there were very pleased with my performance. I played the Goossens first and that went pretty well. I think I probably played the cadenza the best I ever had, so that was encouraging. I just had water in my second octave vent for most of that piece, and really for most of my recital too.

Anyway, so then was the Piazzolla Tango Etudes...the ones I knew could either be very exciting and awesome or just sound terrible and would make me look like a fool. Well the former was what rang true. Everybody loved them. I ended up playing them probably the best I ever had. I just had some endurance problems at the end. I "mouth farted" as my mom said. I just could hold my embouchure any longer. It was only the last note though, so whatever. I was pretty pleased, considering they were written for flute! So then it was intermission and I was dripping with sweat. I had to take my jacket off so I could cool down, and dry!

My next piece was the Vocalise in which I played and sang. The audience liked this so much that they wanted me to take a second bow. It made all my family cry, mostly because I had been telling them that I wasn't going to sing, and it caught them off guard. I did have some mistakes on my oboe in that piece, but I don't' think it mattered because the audience was just in awe. The final piece was the Poulenc Sextet and I think it was probably the best we had ever played it. I once again had some mistakes, but they were mostly due to a lack of focus on my part, because I had been focusing for more than an hour by then. I was just ready to be done!

Anyway, as I said, I think it went really well and that everyone enjoyed it. Hoke thought it was great, which was encouraging for me because usually she has lots to say, and this time there wasn't much. A couple phrase ending things, and wanting some more musicality in technical sections, but that was it. She thought my tone had gotten a lot better and she really liked my low notes. That really made me feel awesome inside. She's one of my hardest critics besides myself. She's heard me since the beginning and knows my weaknesses almost better than me, and she tells it like it is.

Now it's time to focus on my audition material. I have about 10 weeks until my first audition, and I want to be perfect so I have my choice over where I want to go. We'll see what happens...

life happens...

Life happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. No matter how much you resist and try to make things go completely your way, you can't win. I've always known this, but wanted to act as god and change things. It never worked. Not one time, but I kept trying. Finally this week I said, you know what, you need to just let things happen, and go with it. I was playing the why game to try and fix things, but it just made me more upset with myself. For example Why didn't I practice more? Well, I had conductors at my throat, papers to write, and kids to teach. It all sounds reasonable, but seriously, why didn't I practice more? The only reasonable answer I can come up with is that Life Happens. There's not much to it. It seems quite simple, yet it answers the question. I know this question of practicing will come up in a couple weeks when I'm home for break and I should be getting ready for auditions, but instead I'll be hanging with family and doing other things.....why, because Life Happens! It's so true, and yet I have to continue to remind myself that I'm not the one at fault. I have to let life happen or else I become a bubble person. Someone who's life is controlled down to the nano second.

Anyway, my recital is in a day and this week has been quite stressful and I'm trying to just keep in mind that everyone is human and we all have our life happens moments, so I shouldn't sweat the small stuff and just go out there and play my best! We'll see what happens.

A face can light up a black hole!

So the past few weeks have been pretty crappy. I've been learning how mean and degrading the music world can be. It's been very depressing, but I think I'll be better off in the end. Today, was a quite interesting day. I had just gotten off of work and had come downstairs to look for Barb. She wasn't there, so I decided to head back to the office and sign up for advising. As I was passing the choral room I heard for just a moment what sounded like a familiar voice. Knowing that this person lives halfway across the country I made no more thought of it, and kept on my way. As I finished my business in the office, I turn around, and who is there, but one of my most favorite people in the world!!! I was so excited that I ran and hugged him. Never can I remember someone making me so happy. It was such euphoria. It was so great to see his familiar face, who I hadn't seen in over a year! It makes me think about my reaction. It was almost uncharacteristic of me to be so extremely excited and euphoric as I already said. A year ago I had been toying with the fact that I thought I felt more than friendship with this person, but because of his position and rumors I had heard I never did anything about it. Yet, now the position isn't a problem, only the rumors. It makes me want to pursue it. As I was talking to him I was so happy. We weren't even talking about much, just life, but it was exciting. We basically just picked up where we left off and it was great. If only he didn't live in Idaho and I in Missouri. I hope that I get to see him again before he leaves. I loved that happy feeling I had today!!! Oh if he felt the same way, that would be infinite euphoria.

Same theme....new day....

Ok, well I'm still struggling with feeling alone. It's not that I'm lonely, but that it feels as though nobody cares for me, out here at least. I hate the feeling, but the more I think about it, it's something that happens to me in my last years at places. I had a sort of similar experience my senior year of high school and I ended up writing a full concert band piece to feel better. If that's what I need to do to correct, it I should get started now!

Enough talk about that, this week I had my second lesson with Barb and it went pretty well. She played on my reed and was in amazement of how good it was. She bowed down to me for it! She also put me on the spot to play some etudes for her, and I did them really well, and she was impressed once again. We then got into talking about the Goossens and I think she liked my playing on it because she basically just wanted me to work out some musical details and then start memorizing it for the concerto competition!! I think that's a good thing. Now, will I actually memorize it and do the concerto competition, probably not. Well, we'll see... Anyway, so it was good. I have 9 Saturdays (not counting tomorrow) until my recital. That means 9 weeks....I think I can pull that off. Then that gives me about another 10 weeks until auditions, which I'll be adding just a few things to what I already know and am working on. I'm getting really nervous, but also excited!!!

I'm hoping that I get into a very good school and a place that makes me happy. I really think that things will be different in grad school, and I'll add those missing pieces to my life. Plus I'll be just another step closer to getting a job! How much fun will that be. I don't really know, as I can only imagine. Oh well...... Goodnight for now.

completely alone

Have you ever just felt completely and utterly alone? I've gotten very close to that this weekend. I really didn't enjoy it either. I'm one that enjoys my alone time, but the alone time is beginning to take over my life this year. I choose to live alone so that I don't disturb the people that would choose to live with me. I'm playing my oboe at all hours of the night, and really making alot of noise at all hours. This put together with my schedule this year really helps bring more alone time. It wouldn't be a problem if I would use it wisely, but I don't. I sit in my apt and do the things I have to do, and when those things are done I just sit and watch tv. I could go to the gym, ride my bike, or call friends and say I want to hang out, but I don't. I can't call friends because I really don't have any here. I've isolated myself so much that I really have NO friends here. As I think about it, it makes me mad that I can be this way, but I am. Sure I have people that I talk to during classes, or because they're in ensembles with me, but none that I could divulge my biggest secrets to or could call when I bored and want to do something. Now I do have one friend, that I myself consider to be my best friend, although I'm not sure what she thinks of the relationship... Anyway, the problem is that she lives more than 4 hours away. That makes it hard to do things with and keep the relationship going. Sure there's email, but hey when she gets busy, the emails go one way. That kind of hurts too, with no responses, it's like talking to a brick wall. What else can you do? Nothing really. I've been an avid believer in having a very small group of good friends, being it 1 or 2, yet at times like these it's useless when they're not there to share your nonsense banter.

Maybe I should just buck up and keep living this "independent" lifestyle. I do enjoy that no one controls me. I can come and go as I please. The problem is that I'm only motivated to do certain things. Granted they are the most crucial things at the moment, which are practicing, reedmaking and homework, but there needs to be more to my life than that. I admit that I can't give myself everything. People are here on this planet to give things to other people, and I'm not taking advantage of that.

I think the biggest problem is not that I'm looking for a gal-pal to share things with, but I have spent almost 4 years being independent, doing my own thing and figuring out who I really am, and I'm ready to meet a guy that wants to make my life wonderful. Yet, after being the way I have for so long, and being single for (ahem) oh I guess 3 years now, you begin to not even pay attention to guys like you should and probably miss all the critical signs that he's interested. There are a few people in my life that it seems so simple how they met and got together and figured out that was it, yet that hasn't happened for me. Why? What am I doing wrong? I just really don't understand.

Oh well, I don't see myself as a cold, standoffish person, yet my outcomes have put me in the same place as those people. Without people close to them to keep company when all you need is that bond. Well hopefully this thing will right itself as most things do with time.

Friends

How many friends does a person need? I always seem to have this discussion with myself when I come back to school each fall. I've always been a person that has very few friends and even less extremely close friends. I would say that at this point in my life I have one very close friend, but I'm not even sure how close that friend really is. Being at school and having a place to myself is great...Most of the time. I am free to do what I want when I want, and it's wonderful. I can practice whenever and for however long I want. The only problem is that I don't have anyone pushing me to go do something. I generally like it, but as I get older I think I'm learning that I'm missing out on life and friendships that could be. Mostly I would like friendships. I'm not one to really want to go out, but I love companionship. Me staying in my apartment practicing, making reeds and studying doesn't get me friendships.

As for the friendship I do have, it's very interesting. She's a very wonderful person, and our relationship has moved through many stages, from teacher to friend, to now I like to think a very close friend. I say that, but there are still some things I can't tell her. You would think that the trust would be there that I wouldn't have to think twice about what I say, but I do. Is it me or is it her? Sometimes I think it's me. That I shut myself off from people, even if I trust them deeply. I also see that telling her some things could be bad because of her personality, yet I think the biggest thing is that we lead so similar lives, yet they are so different. Age adds to this difference. Sometimes we can't relate because one is married and has a job and the other is a student and single. It's just hard.

Anyway, I should find friends here at school but it's just not something I would like to be doing with my time. Not having many people to talk/hang with here keeps me focused and on task which is good, but is it really to my benefit? I can't really answer that. It's a mystery. The biggest thought with this is finding that "special" friend. The one that I am such good friends with that we develop a romantic relationship. Everywhere I go someone has that person to cling to when they just want someone to be there. I don't have that person. It really hurts sometimes. To think that there isn't someone thinking about me all the time, and just wants to come home to see me, and hold me. Sure this is just a fantasy, but I'm sure that there are men out there that think that about their wives or girlfriends. I don't even have that wonderful guy friend that would do anything for me, but isn't romantically involved with me. Maybe I've just watched too many romantic movies that show all those fantasy romances, but I am a dreamer and part of me believes that it's out there. If only I could find it, and stop being on my own all the time. There is room somewhere in my life for that person. To share some fun moments with someone other than myself and my oboe.

What is love?

What is the meaning of the word love? In our world today we use this word all the time. I love this. I love that, but what do we really mean when we say that. Do we really love whatever we're talking about or is it just a word that comes on the tip of the tongue. I happen to know that in German culture they don't use the word love with someone unless they are married or are at least extremely serious. This is very interesting considering that in our culture it's thrown out so much that I believe it's becoming meaningless. I began thinking about this because there are a few people that will tell me "I love you" and I know that they want to hear it back. If they don't they will be hurt, even if they think I may not be speaking the truth. It bothers me that I have to say it, even though I don't necessarily mean it. It may be that I'm just choosy with the people I use the word love with. As I get deeper into thought on this subject I begin to explore the past and men that I loved. As I'm still quite young the list of boyfriends is still short. I would say that there are two that I dated long enough to even consider. Out of those two I never can come to the conclusion that I was "in love" with them. I continue to ask myself what love is. Am I so cynical when it comes to love and romance that I believe that true love can't happen, or that I can't be in love? Or is it just that I put my work before romance that I forget those signs and feelings? I eventually come to some conclusion that I was in love with one of them, but since the feeling wasn't mutual I blocked my feelings from my mind.

In my head I have such a wonderful picture of what love is and want to experience it, yet being so young I haven't gotten there yet. It makes life a little frustrating sometimes. Plus in this day and age if you're not focused on your career, especially being a woman, you begin to become behind and then end up getting lost in the shuffle. It's just such a fast-paced world we live in today. I hate it! I love being leisurely about doing things, and just really taking your time. When you're done there is a bigger sense of accomplishment. It's really amazing. But how do I live? The way I would like or how the world wants me to? Would I accomplish everything I would like? Would I be more in love with my life my way? Who knows? Nobody does.

Summer to New Beginnings

Well I'm about a week and some change away from the start of my senior year of undergrad, and it drawing near means that this summer is coming to an end. This summer has been a very interesting and hugely productive one. I completed two summer classes, the first in 3 weeks, and the second in 2. In those 5 weeks all I did was work. I did learn a lot, which is good, but didn't get to have much of a life. Then I went to an orchestra camp in North Carolina. In going I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but it turned out to be wonderful. This would be a good time to let you know that I play oboe, thus what I was at orchestra camp for. Anyway, so, before going to camp I had been having some confidence issues. At the beginning of summer I took a lesson with one of the leading oboe teachers and was put in my place. It was good, because I needed to know where I stood, but bad because the small percentage of confidence I did have was gone. Somehow I managed to keep going, and when I got to the camp I wasn't sure what was going to come of it, but at my placement audition I nailed my piece and ended up getting the principal part on the hardest piece of the first concert!! I was ecstatic but more nervous than anything. I was put on a pedestal, but was I going to shine or whither? Well I did some shining! So much that I lit a fire in myself that will hopefully propel me through the year to come. Besides expanding greatly musically, I became a better person through the friends I met. I was fortunate enough to have a very outgoing roommate, which forced me to be outgoing too. Without her I would've probably spent my whole time there practicing and making reeds, which would be great, but having friends helps mentally. This camp really allowed me to find out a little more of who I really am. When I came back I found that I wasn't thinking about what to do next to be right, but just doing it because I was comfortable in my own skin.

So as these last few weeks of summer wrap up I continue to think of the future and the past. Being in my hometown during the end of summer and seeing the high school kids practicing for sports or marching band gets me thinking of when I was in that spot. There are some great memories, but I also think of how little I knew compared to now; how much I've grown in those three short years I've been removed. One can gain so much knowledge and experience from being removed from the bubble they grew up in. With that said, I grew up in undergrad too, so how much will I grow after next year when I'm in grad school and once again removed from the familiarity I began to call home?

The fall semester will be devoted to my senior recital. Luckily it's not my first recital, so I sort of know what to expect. Besides my recital I have to begin getting my applications together and audition material for the biggest challenge of the spring semester: AUDITIONS! This is probably what frightens me the most. I've chosen some big schools to apply to: Eastman, Yale, and Hartt. The first two send a small shiver down my spine thinking about them. Another part of me just wonders if those are the right choices for me, or if I'm just going with the norm. It's such a big decision that my mind gets lost somewhere in the middle. I'm sure though, the right thing for me will happen, as it did for undergrad.

Well, the summer is dwindling as I type this. If there are a few things I could list that I learned this summer I would say.... Let the people you care about know that you care about them, Work as hard as you can for what you want, and lastly HAVE FUN DOING WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING!!!

Hello

Hi! I've decided to switch from xanga to this. I'm thinking it will be a little better. It has a little more anonymity. Anyway, I plan to use this to talk about my goings on, as boring as they may be. Should you be bored enough to read, I hope it keeps you slightly entertained or interested for awhile.