The evils of technology

When did I become so shy about sharing my deep feelings with people that nobody truly knows how I feel about an important subject? I just had a great conversation with a good friend and it began quite innocently, speaking the usual pleasentries and soon warped into a innocent game of twenty questions. I didn't expect it to lead to anything of deep conversation but it soon lead there requiring me to give up some answers that more than likely nobody had heard from me. Of course I was reserved in the beginning but, as we kept going I got more and more open. I soon realized how much better I felt that I had said what I had said. Then what I had said lead to more and more discussion and the two of us learning so much about one another that we previously hadn't known. Now looking back on it I thoroughly enjoyed it. What made me so open when that is not really something I do? Well partly the lateness of the hour didn't keep me from slipping but of course it was the means by which the conversation itself was happening. Yes that's right it was over the Internet. Words typed, sent out into space presumibly received by the other individual, in this case a friend, read and then responded to. What is it about this medium that allows me to speak so freely? It seems to act as my own alchohol, getting me drunk so I may speak my mind. Yet it's more than that. The person on the other end isn't able to read my facial expressions, sound of my voice and other body language so they don't get the full tone of he message I'm sending plus I can think about what I'm going to say for a much longer time than I would if I was face to face with the same person. I know that I'm a very careful person and the idea of having a face to face conversation and having to think quickly and answer quickly may scare me into muteness. Whatever it is, it's not fate to me or the other individual. This is something I should work on as a person, especially if I intend to sustain a romantic relationship. Those kinds of relationships should not prosper on fiber cables!

Older and wiser?...

Wow! It's really been a long while since I've been on here, and added to this. I'm now 24, nearly a quarter of a century old. I'm not sure why but this birthday has hit me harder than many. Not because I feel ancient with one foot in the grave. Not at all. I'm actually very excited to be where I am. This past month I have been noticing more of what is important to me and what is dispensable. It's actually made me a happier person.

This past week I spent virtually every day, Sunday-Sunday with one particular person. I have always looked to this person for wisdom and advice in some of my lowest times. I knew this person was someone special to me but I don't think I truly appreciated it until this week. He is a person that I have this amazing connection with. We are able to have some wonderfully deep conversations or the most goofy. I think one of the best things is he treats me as a complete person with something to give to the world. I'm not this young person that knows nothing. To him what I think and say matters. Plus he's an absolute gentleman! No door am I to touch. No heavy bag am I to carry. It's so refreshing, from the day to day interactions with people. Chivalry is dead! I don't care who thinks I'm wrong or who thinks that a strong woman has to do everything for themself. No, sometimes it's nice to be cared for as a woman. I don't think it makes me a weaker woman, actually quite the opposite.

I've also found that my best friend has changed a lot. I spent some time with her while I was home and found that she has blossomed over the year. She was a beautiful person before, but interestingly enough becoming a mother has made her listen more and I guess like me really seek out the important things in life. I wrote here before that I was afraid of losing her and while we don't get hardly any time to spend with her I strangely enough feel closer to her. I was sad that our little time together had to end, but we are still connected through technology but also weirdly enough spiritually.

I am hoping to take this new found wisdom, appreciation and happiness with me to Connecticut. I want this new perspective to seep into my music and push me towards a wonderful career. I'm not sure what the path will be just yet, but I feel that it will be very worthwhile and fulfilling.

On to a new chapter!

Possibility

Ahh, to be able to look at that everyday!

It's amazing that another year has gone and a new one has rolled in. It has happened every 365 days since I've been born, but there's always a great energy that comes with this new year. People make resolutions, resolving to change things in their lives in hopes to become a better person. Some follow through, while others make the same resolution the following year. I was never much for resolutions, as I was the latter. Making a resolution and forgetting about it by April or May only to find myself wanting to make the same one again in January. Well, I'm not making a resolution, but just living with possibility.
This year I've been in a wonderful class, learning how to live in possibility. My most recent discovery is that living in possibility is wonderful simply because you get what you wanted because you never knew you wanted it. But first you must understand that there is no such thing as good news or bad news, only news. So if you receive news it's only news, and must be the news you wanted, only you didn't know. (I'm still trying to grasp my own thought...) Enough of my philosophical talk.

This is my final semester at NEC. Next year I'll more than likely attending The Hartt School to work on an Artist Diploma to further my oboe and voice. It's going to be a completely new chapter and I'm very very excited! Anything could happen! I could get an orchestra job, or begin a career as a recitalist. Who knows? Not I.

?

what is the answer? maybe a walk will help me find it.

umm.

You know when you're told something and there's that generic emotional response that is supposed to happen with everyone, well it didn't happen for me. I was told about the miracle of life tonight with a very close friend. The most wonderful miracle there is on this earth, and I was happy, sad, mad, angry, jealous, upset, sick, etc. Why wasn't I just happy? A friend pointed out that it's just my only child reaction as if I was getting a sibling and not going to be the only. It's much more than that!

This is a dear friend that I've known for 9 years now, but seems like a whole lifetime....like when we met we already had a history. I fought hard for the relationship I wanted with this person, and finally felt very good, and secure. I guess you could call it a friendship marriage, if you know what I mean. This year was different, due to over 1000 miles being in between us. I could tell there was some growing apart, but nothing that getting back together on trips didn't rectify. We had made it so basically 2 weeks a year we were together 24/7. By the time 1 of the visits were done we were ready to part having gotten our fill of each other to last until the next time.

Well it's all changing, and very very quickly. I'm gone this summer, so the summer week we usually spend together is gone. The baby will be here around Turkey Day which takes our second week away. See where I'm going with this. There is no time together. Just a few hours here and there. While this might be selfish....I want that time! It was sacred time to me. I got my fix and went on my way. My apprehension is that while it's just that little bit of time, that lost time with seed the growing apart. Two different directions. One a home life and the other figuring out life.

With a baby will there be travel to see me? I think not. It's a big responsibility and one I don't foresee her taking lightly. I think she's settling down....and not really going anywhere anytime soon, despite what she might say. Oh to be at that point and to completely understand. Not to have a life that seems in shambles. One that could work out, or could not.

Hobby

You know it seems as I learn about past musicians that they all seemed to have their hobbies outside of music. I've always wanted to take a photography class and learn what I'm doing so I can take even more pictures that I love. Well maybe someday until then I'll just be happy with what I've got. Here are some of my favs now....enjoy.

Passion...Perfection?

Passion or perfection? Today in rehearsal this dilemma was brought to my attention once again. It's so hard in the music business to figure out which should be your priority because as much as you try they can't both be. As we started rehearsal and run through the massive Mahler 9 I was trying to bring my passion back to the forefront and forget to worry about perfection yet at the same time feel the energy of the orchestra. Sadly the group energy was not one I wanted to be apart of. It was one of cynicism. Instead of being excited to bring out their deepest emotions to the eager audience they were there only to play the notes on the page because they had to. The inspiring words of Zander were lost on the group. People were giggling and making snide comments, but what he spoke was true and from the heart. I can even admit that I was on the lemming bandwagon of being cynical towards Zander, but truly the words he spoke today made me snap out of it. I couldn't be forced to hide my true feelings.We are here to make music and say something. We're not here for perfection. Why must we be so cynical that we completely loose sight of the emotion of music? It really really bothers me; pretty much ruined my day.

As I began to really think about it today I was trying to figure out a way to rise to the top while believing in the things I do. Zander seems to have made it, but so many people make fun of him and don't think much of him. I don't want to be that. I guess I shouldn't care what people think, but knowing what I know about the likability of Zander it hurts me. He's rare, and people can't seem to believe the things he says to be true. For them it can't be true. Nobody could be that real. It's just not possible in this day and age.

I pledge right now that I WILL NOT loose sight of why I'm here. Not perfection, but the passion and conversation I wish to have with people that choose to listen to me. I shall not be crucified for being real and pursuing that hidden emotion waiting to emerge. This pledge means that I may not be perfect, but as Zander puts to eloquently "How Fascinating!"

how does love work?

I don't know how to love! It's such a terrible statement, but it's been running through my head all day. The past few months have been weird...to say the least. It all started last semester when I began dating someone, and I guess I could say it went a little farther than I wanted without a talk about what we were doing, where we were going, etc. It felt good though, it was safe, easy, something I could run to if I needed to. Yet, I began pulling away. Afraid of it possibly. I don't really know. The semester break allowed a few states to keep us apart, and sort of forget what had been. It was nice, and I liked it. No expectation. After the break, and the distance was narrowed to mere miles, I began to find myself making it impossible to hang with. Was I busy, yes, but could I have made some plans, yes. The invitations began to become very few, and pretty much died off as both of us got extremely busy.

Then, (this is where it gets complicated) a friend asks me out to dinner. Me, being the naïve thing I am, think oh, it's just a friend thing. He wants to hang and get to know me. Well that's what it seemed on the surface, that is until there was a second invitation for dinner (which I once again naïvely accepted) It seemed quite innocent, but of course, (never seems to fail) it went to that next level. Considering I still haven't spoken to the first guy and really figured out what we were/are, and what we wanted/want to be, it was a little uncomfortable. The night ended and now I'm left with my mind to figure out what all of this means.

My conclusion about everything is that I'm not "in" to these guys. I keep pulling away for 2 reasons. One reason goes down very deep. It's the fact that I really just don't know how to love. I didn't have the "loving" parents growing up to teach me the way it should work. I had to learn it from movies, and we all know how incredibly inaccurate that all is. Because I grew up on these movies I expect this spark...I expect it to be magic. I haven't had that. The last time I remember having that was in high school when I was first experiencing "love." I think of my first kiss, and how wonderful it was. The first time I truly felt in love.

Am I just trying to rush all this? Have I not given these men enough time, or should I really have that spark that I think I should have? I just don't know. I know, well really hope that there is someone out there waiting for me. Wondering where I'm hiding, but how much longer is he going to wait before he gives up?

Listen to me. I talk as if I'm an old maid! Ha. I'm not, but thinking about it makes me feel that way. I want those butterflies and the feeling of weightlessness because I love someone and they love me back.