Why am I here?

Christmas brought me many great gifts. Among some of the top I would note reedmaking supplies, a video ipod, and some great inspirational books. The books were from a person very close and dear to me, who wants to see me succeed in life and be happy doing it. He had been talking to me about these books, and one in particular...The Why Cafe. It's such an interesting book making you ask the questions of yourself: Why are you here? Are you afraid of death? Are you fufilled?

While reading it I began to think and decide why I am here. I have always told myself that I'm here to play music for anyone who wants to listen. My first memory comes from age 3 when I was watching an orchestra play and I pointed to it saying that I wanted to do that. At that age my parents and I really didn't think much of it, although they did start me in fiddle lessons. I never gave much thought to it until late high school and college. I began to realize that I knew why I was here a meer 3 years into my life, but it took many more years to understand that realization.

What I found hard to follow is doing what you love all the time to fufill your reason for being. Money is needed to live in this world, so I know that I'll have to do some things that I don't like. I'm hoping that I have done enough homework to be able to do what I want all day. The book talked about the fact that if you are doing what you want all day then you won't have a need to retire because if you retired you would be doing the same things anyway. I have never thought about retirement because I do love making music and I can't see what else I would do in retirement but make music.

The second question, Are you afraid of death? was an interesting one for me, because as the character in the book I'm not afraid of death, but I would rather not die now because I have so much to do still. The book explained that you need to do everything possible so that if you die the next day you won't regret what you haven't done. This is a very tough one for me because in my eyes I see things that can't happen unless another thing happens. I think I'll just have to be happy with what I have accomplished on that day and be happy with that.

The final question, Are you fufilled? is a very interesting question for me. I have two answers for it. I am fufilled with my craft of music, but not in my romantic life. I think that with both I would be fufilled, but I don't know for sure. This thought could only be me wanting to buy my happiness. I'm not sure, but we'll see once I get a partner to find out.

All the questions asked in this book really gave me some good things to ponder for awhile before I enter my final semester of school and grad school auditions. Hopefully this helps me find my way to push me where I need to be.

changing

I find it very interesting how quickly life can change for people. Today I learned that a person very close to me could possibly lose her job because of one vote by a company. She is living a good life right now. For the most part no worries, or problems...just working alot. Soon she could be out of a job and not sure what to do with her life. It really makes me think what could/will happen to me in the years to come. I am going to school to be a musician, but as I know that's a very scary business. There are not always guarantees of money to be able to pay for things like rent and food...the basics. I'm going to school to give myself the chance to make a living as an orchestral musician, but the road to get there is so expensive...paying for auditions and all the oboe materials I need to play the oboe are enough to make me broke. I wonder if I can really make it.

Tonight I had dessert with a dear friend of mine and he is always very philosophical with me and trying to make sure I'm doing what I love and it's not just to make people happy and like me. He talked about the book The Why Cafe which poses the question of why we are here on the earth...why do we exist on the earth. Being older he's had much more time to figure that out, and has, and is comfortable with it. I on the other hand, being much younger and still really at the beginning of my life don't have a great grasp on why I'm here. I generally figure I will know when it hits me in the nose. I like to think that it has to do with making music for many people across the world, but I really don't know for sure. He had his wife read it and she told him she didn't know why she was here. She taught music for 30 years and enjoyed it, and for most of her life thought that was the reason for her existance, but now in her years she's not really sure. It's just so interesting how you can think you know and not know at all.

We make so many decisions in life from which movie to watch to what should I do with my time on this earth. It's very hard to know whether or not the decisions we make today are going to be the correct ones later in our lives. Because things can change so quickly and we don't have much control over them we can look at past decisions as bad. Are they really? Or do they just not fit in with the changes that come at us so quickly?

I don't really know the answers to these questions, and I'm not sure I ever will. I have made many decisions in my life and I try not to look back on them and regret them because that was then and this is now. I can't do anything about the past. It is what it is. As I look to my future I see graduate studies, but I don't know where, and that uncertainty is very unsettling. Will I make the right decision? Will I practice enough to be accepted to these great schools in which I applied? I don't know. I just don't know. All I can do is take one day at a time. Use those one days to push myself to one ending goal that I am really not sure what it is. Happiness at death maybe? I don't really know. I guess what I'm trying to say is live in the moment. Don't wait for life to happen...make it happen.