?

what is the answer? maybe a walk will help me find it.

umm.

You know when you're told something and there's that generic emotional response that is supposed to happen with everyone, well it didn't happen for me. I was told about the miracle of life tonight with a very close friend. The most wonderful miracle there is on this earth, and I was happy, sad, mad, angry, jealous, upset, sick, etc. Why wasn't I just happy? A friend pointed out that it's just my only child reaction as if I was getting a sibling and not going to be the only. It's much more than that!

This is a dear friend that I've known for 9 years now, but seems like a whole lifetime....like when we met we already had a history. I fought hard for the relationship I wanted with this person, and finally felt very good, and secure. I guess you could call it a friendship marriage, if you know what I mean. This year was different, due to over 1000 miles being in between us. I could tell there was some growing apart, but nothing that getting back together on trips didn't rectify. We had made it so basically 2 weeks a year we were together 24/7. By the time 1 of the visits were done we were ready to part having gotten our fill of each other to last until the next time.

Well it's all changing, and very very quickly. I'm gone this summer, so the summer week we usually spend together is gone. The baby will be here around Turkey Day which takes our second week away. See where I'm going with this. There is no time together. Just a few hours here and there. While this might be selfish....I want that time! It was sacred time to me. I got my fix and went on my way. My apprehension is that while it's just that little bit of time, that lost time with seed the growing apart. Two different directions. One a home life and the other figuring out life.

With a baby will there be travel to see me? I think not. It's a big responsibility and one I don't foresee her taking lightly. I think she's settling down....and not really going anywhere anytime soon, despite what she might say. Oh to be at that point and to completely understand. Not to have a life that seems in shambles. One that could work out, or could not.