how does love work?

I don't know how to love! It's such a terrible statement, but it's been running through my head all day. The past few months have been weird...to say the least. It all started last semester when I began dating someone, and I guess I could say it went a little farther than I wanted without a talk about what we were doing, where we were going, etc. It felt good though, it was safe, easy, something I could run to if I needed to. Yet, I began pulling away. Afraid of it possibly. I don't really know. The semester break allowed a few states to keep us apart, and sort of forget what had been. It was nice, and I liked it. No expectation. After the break, and the distance was narrowed to mere miles, I began to find myself making it impossible to hang with. Was I busy, yes, but could I have made some plans, yes. The invitations began to become very few, and pretty much died off as both of us got extremely busy.

Then, (this is where it gets complicated) a friend asks me out to dinner. Me, being the naïve thing I am, think oh, it's just a friend thing. He wants to hang and get to know me. Well that's what it seemed on the surface, that is until there was a second invitation for dinner (which I once again naïvely accepted) It seemed quite innocent, but of course, (never seems to fail) it went to that next level. Considering I still haven't spoken to the first guy and really figured out what we were/are, and what we wanted/want to be, it was a little uncomfortable. The night ended and now I'm left with my mind to figure out what all of this means.

My conclusion about everything is that I'm not "in" to these guys. I keep pulling away for 2 reasons. One reason goes down very deep. It's the fact that I really just don't know how to love. I didn't have the "loving" parents growing up to teach me the way it should work. I had to learn it from movies, and we all know how incredibly inaccurate that all is. Because I grew up on these movies I expect this spark...I expect it to be magic. I haven't had that. The last time I remember having that was in high school when I was first experiencing "love." I think of my first kiss, and how wonderful it was. The first time I truly felt in love.

Am I just trying to rush all this? Have I not given these men enough time, or should I really have that spark that I think I should have? I just don't know. I know, well really hope that there is someone out there waiting for me. Wondering where I'm hiding, but how much longer is he going to wait before he gives up?

Listen to me. I talk as if I'm an old maid! Ha. I'm not, but thinking about it makes me feel that way. I want those butterflies and the feeling of weightlessness because I love someone and they love me back.