Friends

How many friends does a person need? I always seem to have this discussion with myself when I come back to school each fall. I've always been a person that has very few friends and even less extremely close friends. I would say that at this point in my life I have one very close friend, but I'm not even sure how close that friend really is. Being at school and having a place to myself is great...Most of the time. I am free to do what I want when I want, and it's wonderful. I can practice whenever and for however long I want. The only problem is that I don't have anyone pushing me to go do something. I generally like it, but as I get older I think I'm learning that I'm missing out on life and friendships that could be. Mostly I would like friendships. I'm not one to really want to go out, but I love companionship. Me staying in my apartment practicing, making reeds and studying doesn't get me friendships.

As for the friendship I do have, it's very interesting. She's a very wonderful person, and our relationship has moved through many stages, from teacher to friend, to now I like to think a very close friend. I say that, but there are still some things I can't tell her. You would think that the trust would be there that I wouldn't have to think twice about what I say, but I do. Is it me or is it her? Sometimes I think it's me. That I shut myself off from people, even if I trust them deeply. I also see that telling her some things could be bad because of her personality, yet I think the biggest thing is that we lead so similar lives, yet they are so different. Age adds to this difference. Sometimes we can't relate because one is married and has a job and the other is a student and single. It's just hard.

Anyway, I should find friends here at school but it's just not something I would like to be doing with my time. Not having many people to talk/hang with here keeps me focused and on task which is good, but is it really to my benefit? I can't really answer that. It's a mystery. The biggest thought with this is finding that "special" friend. The one that I am such good friends with that we develop a romantic relationship. Everywhere I go someone has that person to cling to when they just want someone to be there. I don't have that person. It really hurts sometimes. To think that there isn't someone thinking about me all the time, and just wants to come home to see me, and hold me. Sure this is just a fantasy, but I'm sure that there are men out there that think that about their wives or girlfriends. I don't even have that wonderful guy friend that would do anything for me, but isn't romantically involved with me. Maybe I've just watched too many romantic movies that show all those fantasy romances, but I am a dreamer and part of me believes that it's out there. If only I could find it, and stop being on my own all the time. There is room somewhere in my life for that person. To share some fun moments with someone other than myself and my oboe.

What is love?

What is the meaning of the word love? In our world today we use this word all the time. I love this. I love that, but what do we really mean when we say that. Do we really love whatever we're talking about or is it just a word that comes on the tip of the tongue. I happen to know that in German culture they don't use the word love with someone unless they are married or are at least extremely serious. This is very interesting considering that in our culture it's thrown out so much that I believe it's becoming meaningless. I began thinking about this because there are a few people that will tell me "I love you" and I know that they want to hear it back. If they don't they will be hurt, even if they think I may not be speaking the truth. It bothers me that I have to say it, even though I don't necessarily mean it. It may be that I'm just choosy with the people I use the word love with. As I get deeper into thought on this subject I begin to explore the past and men that I loved. As I'm still quite young the list of boyfriends is still short. I would say that there are two that I dated long enough to even consider. Out of those two I never can come to the conclusion that I was "in love" with them. I continue to ask myself what love is. Am I so cynical when it comes to love and romance that I believe that true love can't happen, or that I can't be in love? Or is it just that I put my work before romance that I forget those signs and feelings? I eventually come to some conclusion that I was in love with one of them, but since the feeling wasn't mutual I blocked my feelings from my mind.

In my head I have such a wonderful picture of what love is and want to experience it, yet being so young I haven't gotten there yet. It makes life a little frustrating sometimes. Plus in this day and age if you're not focused on your career, especially being a woman, you begin to become behind and then end up getting lost in the shuffle. It's just such a fast-paced world we live in today. I hate it! I love being leisurely about doing things, and just really taking your time. When you're done there is a bigger sense of accomplishment. It's really amazing. But how do I live? The way I would like or how the world wants me to? Would I accomplish everything I would like? Would I be more in love with my life my way? Who knows? Nobody does.

Summer to New Beginnings

Well I'm about a week and some change away from the start of my senior year of undergrad, and it drawing near means that this summer is coming to an end. This summer has been a very interesting and hugely productive one. I completed two summer classes, the first in 3 weeks, and the second in 2. In those 5 weeks all I did was work. I did learn a lot, which is good, but didn't get to have much of a life. Then I went to an orchestra camp in North Carolina. In going I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but it turned out to be wonderful. This would be a good time to let you know that I play oboe, thus what I was at orchestra camp for. Anyway, so, before going to camp I had been having some confidence issues. At the beginning of summer I took a lesson with one of the leading oboe teachers and was put in my place. It was good, because I needed to know where I stood, but bad because the small percentage of confidence I did have was gone. Somehow I managed to keep going, and when I got to the camp I wasn't sure what was going to come of it, but at my placement audition I nailed my piece and ended up getting the principal part on the hardest piece of the first concert!! I was ecstatic but more nervous than anything. I was put on a pedestal, but was I going to shine or whither? Well I did some shining! So much that I lit a fire in myself that will hopefully propel me through the year to come. Besides expanding greatly musically, I became a better person through the friends I met. I was fortunate enough to have a very outgoing roommate, which forced me to be outgoing too. Without her I would've probably spent my whole time there practicing and making reeds, which would be great, but having friends helps mentally. This camp really allowed me to find out a little more of who I really am. When I came back I found that I wasn't thinking about what to do next to be right, but just doing it because I was comfortable in my own skin.

So as these last few weeks of summer wrap up I continue to think of the future and the past. Being in my hometown during the end of summer and seeing the high school kids practicing for sports or marching band gets me thinking of when I was in that spot. There are some great memories, but I also think of how little I knew compared to now; how much I've grown in those three short years I've been removed. One can gain so much knowledge and experience from being removed from the bubble they grew up in. With that said, I grew up in undergrad too, so how much will I grow after next year when I'm in grad school and once again removed from the familiarity I began to call home?

The fall semester will be devoted to my senior recital. Luckily it's not my first recital, so I sort of know what to expect. Besides my recital I have to begin getting my applications together and audition material for the biggest challenge of the spring semester: AUDITIONS! This is probably what frightens me the most. I've chosen some big schools to apply to: Eastman, Yale, and Hartt. The first two send a small shiver down my spine thinking about them. Another part of me just wonders if those are the right choices for me, or if I'm just going with the norm. It's such a big decision that my mind gets lost somewhere in the middle. I'm sure though, the right thing for me will happen, as it did for undergrad.

Well, the summer is dwindling as I type this. If there are a few things I could list that I learned this summer I would say.... Let the people you care about know that you care about them, Work as hard as you can for what you want, and lastly HAVE FUN DOING WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING!!!

Hello

Hi! I've decided to switch from xanga to this. I'm thinking it will be a little better. It has a little more anonymity. Anyway, I plan to use this to talk about my goings on, as boring as they may be. Should you be bored enough to read, I hope it keeps you slightly entertained or interested for awhile.