Friends

How many friends does a person need? I always seem to have this discussion with myself when I come back to school each fall. I've always been a person that has very few friends and even less extremely close friends. I would say that at this point in my life I have one very close friend, but I'm not even sure how close that friend really is. Being at school and having a place to myself is great...Most of the time. I am free to do what I want when I want, and it's wonderful. I can practice whenever and for however long I want. The only problem is that I don't have anyone pushing me to go do something. I generally like it, but as I get older I think I'm learning that I'm missing out on life and friendships that could be. Mostly I would like friendships. I'm not one to really want to go out, but I love companionship. Me staying in my apartment practicing, making reeds and studying doesn't get me friendships.

As for the friendship I do have, it's very interesting. She's a very wonderful person, and our relationship has moved through many stages, from teacher to friend, to now I like to think a very close friend. I say that, but there are still some things I can't tell her. You would think that the trust would be there that I wouldn't have to think twice about what I say, but I do. Is it me or is it her? Sometimes I think it's me. That I shut myself off from people, even if I trust them deeply. I also see that telling her some things could be bad because of her personality, yet I think the biggest thing is that we lead so similar lives, yet they are so different. Age adds to this difference. Sometimes we can't relate because one is married and has a job and the other is a student and single. It's just hard.

Anyway, I should find friends here at school but it's just not something I would like to be doing with my time. Not having many people to talk/hang with here keeps me focused and on task which is good, but is it really to my benefit? I can't really answer that. It's a mystery. The biggest thought with this is finding that "special" friend. The one that I am such good friends with that we develop a romantic relationship. Everywhere I go someone has that person to cling to when they just want someone to be there. I don't have that person. It really hurts sometimes. To think that there isn't someone thinking about me all the time, and just wants to come home to see me, and hold me. Sure this is just a fantasy, but I'm sure that there are men out there that think that about their wives or girlfriends. I don't even have that wonderful guy friend that would do anything for me, but isn't romantically involved with me. Maybe I've just watched too many romantic movies that show all those fantasy romances, but I am a dreamer and part of me believes that it's out there. If only I could find it, and stop being on my own all the time. There is room somewhere in my life for that person. To share some fun moments with someone other than myself and my oboe.