Ok, well I'm still struggling with feeling alone. It's not that I'm lonely, but that it feels as though nobody cares for me, out here at least. I hate the feeling, but the more I think about it, it's something that happens to me in my last years at places. I had a sort of similar experience my senior year of high school and I ended up writing a full concert band piece to feel better. If that's what I need to do to correct, it I should get started now!
Enough talk about that, this week I had my second lesson with Barb and it went pretty well. She played on my reed and was in amazement of how good it was. She bowed down to me for it! She also put me on the spot to play some etudes for her, and I did them really well, and she was impressed once again. We then got into talking about the Goossens and I think she liked my playing on it because she basically just wanted me to work out some musical details and then start memorizing it for the concerto competition!! I think that's a good thing. Now, will I actually memorize it and do the concerto competition, probably not. Well, we'll see... Anyway, so it was good. I have 9 Saturdays (not counting tomorrow) until my recital. That means 9 weeks....I think I can pull that off. Then that gives me about another 10 weeks until auditions, which I'll be adding just a few things to what I already know and am working on. I'm getting really nervous, but also excited!!!
I'm hoping that I get into a very good school and a place that makes me happy. I really think that things will be different in grad school, and I'll add those missing pieces to my life. Plus I'll be just another step closer to getting a job! How much fun will that be. I don't really know, as I can only imagine. Oh well...... Goodnight for now.
Have you ever just felt completely and utterly alone? I've gotten very close to that this weekend. I really didn't enjoy it either. I'm one that enjoys my alone time, but the alone time is beginning to take over my life this year. I choose to live alone so that I don't disturb the people that would choose to live with me. I'm playing my oboe at all hours of the night, and really making alot of noise at all hours. This put together with my schedule this year really helps bring more alone time. It wouldn't be a problem if I would use it wisely, but I don't. I sit in my apt and do the things I have to do, and when those things are done I just sit and watch tv. I could go to the gym, ride my bike, or call friends and say I want to hang out, but I don't. I can't call friends because I really don't have any here. I've isolated myself so much that I really have NO friends here. As I think about it, it makes me mad that I can be this way, but I am. Sure I have people that I talk to during classes, or because they're in ensembles with me, but none that I could divulge my biggest secrets to or could call when I bored and want to do something. Now I do have one friend, that I myself consider to be my best friend, although I'm not sure what she thinks of the relationship... Anyway, the problem is that she lives more than 4 hours away. That makes it hard to do things with and keep the relationship going. Sure there's email, but hey when she gets busy, the emails go one way. That kind of hurts too, with no responses, it's like talking to a brick wall. What else can you do? Nothing really. I've been an avid believer in having a very small group of good friends, being it 1 or 2, yet at times like these it's useless when they're not there to share your nonsense banter. Maybe I should just buck up and keep living this "independent" lifestyle. I do enjoy that no one controls me. I can come and go as I please. The problem is that I'm only motivated to do certain things. Granted they are the most crucial things at the moment, which are practicing, reedmaking and homework, but there needs to be more to my life than that. I admit that I can't give myself everything. People are here on this planet to give things to other people, and I'm not taking advantage of that. I think the biggest problem is not that I'm looking for a gal-pal to share things with, but I have spent almost 4 years being independent, doing my own thing and figuring out who I really am, and I'm ready to meet a guy that wants to make my life wonderful. Yet, after being the way I have for so long, and being single for (ahem) oh I guess 3 years now, you begin to not even pay attention to guys like you should and probably miss all the critical signs that he's interested. There are a few people in my life that it seems so simple how they met and got together and figured out that was it, yet that hasn't happened for me. Why? What am I doing wrong? I just really don't understand. Oh well, I don't see myself as a cold, standoffish person, yet my outcomes have put me in the same place as those people. Without people close to them to keep company when all you need is that bond. Well hopefully this thing will right itself as most things do with time.
