completely alone

Have you ever just felt completely and utterly alone? I've gotten very close to that this weekend. I really didn't enjoy it either. I'm one that enjoys my alone time, but the alone time is beginning to take over my life this year. I choose to live alone so that I don't disturb the people that would choose to live with me. I'm playing my oboe at all hours of the night, and really making alot of noise at all hours. This put together with my schedule this year really helps bring more alone time. It wouldn't be a problem if I would use it wisely, but I don't. I sit in my apt and do the things I have to do, and when those things are done I just sit and watch tv. I could go to the gym, ride my bike, or call friends and say I want to hang out, but I don't. I can't call friends because I really don't have any here. I've isolated myself so much that I really have NO friends here. As I think about it, it makes me mad that I can be this way, but I am. Sure I have people that I talk to during classes, or because they're in ensembles with me, but none that I could divulge my biggest secrets to or could call when I bored and want to do something. Now I do have one friend, that I myself consider to be my best friend, although I'm not sure what she thinks of the relationship... Anyway, the problem is that she lives more than 4 hours away. That makes it hard to do things with and keep the relationship going. Sure there's email, but hey when she gets busy, the emails go one way. That kind of hurts too, with no responses, it's like talking to a brick wall. What else can you do? Nothing really. I've been an avid believer in having a very small group of good friends, being it 1 or 2, yet at times like these it's useless when they're not there to share your nonsense banter.

Maybe I should just buck up and keep living this "independent" lifestyle. I do enjoy that no one controls me. I can come and go as I please. The problem is that I'm only motivated to do certain things. Granted they are the most crucial things at the moment, which are practicing, reedmaking and homework, but there needs to be more to my life than that. I admit that I can't give myself everything. People are here on this planet to give things to other people, and I'm not taking advantage of that.

I think the biggest problem is not that I'm looking for a gal-pal to share things with, but I have spent almost 4 years being independent, doing my own thing and figuring out who I really am, and I'm ready to meet a guy that wants to make my life wonderful. Yet, after being the way I have for so long, and being single for (ahem) oh I guess 3 years now, you begin to not even pay attention to guys like you should and probably miss all the critical signs that he's interested. There are a few people in my life that it seems so simple how they met and got together and figured out that was it, yet that hasn't happened for me. Why? What am I doing wrong? I just really don't understand.

Oh well, I don't see myself as a cold, standoffish person, yet my outcomes have put me in the same place as those people. Without people close to them to keep company when all you need is that bond. Well hopefully this thing will right itself as most things do with time.