Who am I?

Who am I? A simple question most would say. A question most have asked themselves at least once in their life, but most likely multiple times. I don't think it's really a simple question. The answer can be simple, but to really answer the question it becomes quite complex. I could answer with my name, but that's not who I am, that's just a label given to me by my parents so people would have a way to get my attention. I could explain where I'm from or who my parents are, but that's only a small piece of who I am.

A good friend of mine once told me that I was lucky to be going away to college, and shouldn't quickly commit myself to a guy. She said that I should find out who I am first and then I would be happier in my life. She had not done that and felt that she didn't completely know who she was. Well I've done that and I still don't feel like I know who I am. How do I find the answer to this question?

I know I love music. I love playing the oboe. I wish to one day play in an orchestra and bring music to people. I enjoy my family, even the terribly tense moments. I enjoy the few close friends I have. Is that me? Well I guess that's part. I still feel like there is something missing, and it's another half. What some people call "their better half."

small hills now, mountains later

Hmm....well I climbed a small hill this week. I would rightfully say that I worked my ass off! So much that I wore my entire body out. So, after my lesson last Wednesday I was already frustrated and it was the first week of the semester. So, I took that frustration and the frustration about my grade for last semester and attempted to do something productive with it. My choice was good. It was to practice as much as I could possibly do. Plus I was determined to get my embouchure right. I had made some progress over break, but not as much as I wanted because of the long periods of rest. So what was a 20-30 min warm-up became a practice session in itself. By Sunday, I had kept my internal promise to myself to keep working hard. I played about 8 hours. Tuesday was even more, 9 hours! Amazingly by Thursday, lesson day I felt prepared. I had a reed that could do what I needed, and I knew my etudes.

I played my first etude transposed, and then he asked me to play it in the original key. After that we had a long conversation about what he wants to do with me to gain the knowledge I need to splash into the real world. We decided what I'm should be working on and he had my play my first etude again. He said that I played it really well and was happy that he could finally be picky. So the lesson went on and I it ended much better than alot of mine from last semester.

Now my task for this week is to be better or at least as good as last week. It's so hard, and I'm so behind for my level. Grrr. Why couldn't I have started at the normal time and had a great beginning band director? Or at least a real oboe teacher? It's so frustrating, but if I continue to exhaust myself I should get there. Hopefully the exhaustion doesn't come like it did this week, with me forcing myself to go to bed at 9:30 pm only to wake up at 9 am the next morning. Craziness!

Alright.......onward to more productiveness.

as perfection crumbles...

Perfection? I learned as a kid that there is no such thing. Only "God" is perfect. Yet, we all are in the pursuit of perfection. To be the greatest at whatever it is we're doing....at least that's what I've done all my life. In my short time on this planet in this pursuit I began to believe that I had attained a piece or my personal perfection. Yet...as I've been moving through these last few years, the perfection I found and became comfortable with has crumbled.

Growing up in a small town it was easy to shine. To find what appeared to be perfection was easy because what seemed perfect to most may have been, because there was nothing to compare it to. By the end of high school I was on top of the world. There was nothing that could stop me. Sure I wasn't the ultimate "perfect", but I had that piece of it. When I began my undergrad, I learned that I wasn't quite as perfect as I thought I was. People my age or just a few years older could do the same things I could do, and sometimes better. To me that meant, well I've got to be that good, and being young I did that. I put myself back on the top. I regained that little piece of perfection I had worked to get.

Now, I'm in the same situation as I was four years ago, yet working harder doesn't seem to be working. The harder I work the more I see my perfection crumble. Everywhere I walk someone has more of a piece than I have. The perfection that helped keep me on top of th world is no longer there. All I have are the crumbles, and this time the crumbles won't piece back together like soft play-doh. They're hardened and can only be softened by a special solvent. What that solvent is I don't know, but it must be out there. Call me an eternal optomist, but really that solvent has to exist. What is it? Is it hard work? Is it more experience? Age? The right environment? What? Help! I want that piece of perfection!

I should clarify that this "perfection" I talk about isn't the ultimate perfection. It is a combination of confidence, ablity and other things that I can't really describe. So I'm not trying to be "the best". That's not the point, but I guess it's to be the best for me. My best.

Meanwhile I'll pick up my crumbles and save them for the magic solvent.

why so hard?

Life is so overwhelming sometimes. I have ideas of what what want to do with my life but it seems like every time I take one step forward I end up taking 2 huge steps back. I feel like I'm working hard, trying to get what I want out of life, yet I don't feel that I have anything to show for it. There's always someone out there that can do much more than me. Why can't life be simpler. I want to be a musician. That's my simple life want. Why can't I just be a musician? Why all this competition. I'm not saying I want to be handed everything. I do value hard work, but why must it be so hard to get where I want. Where's the reward? I don't feel it coming to me anytime soon, or possibly ever.

Basically I just want to somehow figure out how to work as hard as I want on my career, and have a personal life. I've thought it over so many times and it's just not possible! How do people do it? I don't understand. Right now I'm extremely motivated to make some progress in my playing, but to do that I have to basically shut myself off to the outside world. I eat, sleep, go to school and work, and play my oboe. That's my life, and I think there's one person in particular that doesn't seem to agree with how I'm spending my time. Should I change my concentration for that person? Am I being to selfish right now? Probally, but maybe that's what it takes to get where I want. But, what if this decision turns out to bite me later. If I'm willing to sacrifice that part of my life now will I continue the rest of my life? Am I destined to be alone because of my choices now?

It's so weird when I sit down and think about what I'm trying to do with my life. Most people I've graduated with have gotten married, had a kid, gotten a job, bought a house or something along those lines. I'm not anywhere near doing any of those things! Now I'm not saying I regret it, I definitely have much different goals than those people, it's just so weird that I can't identify with those people at all. They are leading what I consider a simple life. Void of the complications I face, yet, I'm pretty sure that they aren't living complete bliss. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm sure if I asked them they'd say no. So what's the answer? How do you find the middleground? Oh such complication.

Anyway......

It's 2008! I made it another year. New Years day was spent on a beach in Florida....not too shabby. I'm not really sure what the rest of the year will bring. So far I've met my newest cousin. It was so amazing to be around something so new to the world. All she did was eat and sleep, but it was amazing to watch it happen in my arms, well I should say arm. She was so small that I could hold her in one arm! Besides that life, there are two more cousins of mine on the way. One in April and another in May. It's definetly the year for babies. I'll be having another birthday...big 23. I'm pushing closer to the age I've always wanted to be....25.

As for 2007. I'd have to say it was a pretty good year. I graduated magna cum laude from UMKC with my Bachelors. I got into the prestigious Banff Master Class and spent 3 wonderful weeks with Mr Killmer. I was accepted to New England Conservatory and am now attending! I finally left the midwest! Partied in the middle of the street with thousands of other Red Sox fans after they won the series.... I'm sure there's much more that I'm forgetting, but those are the highlights. Hopefully my highlights of 2008 will prove to be even better!