?

what is the answer? maybe a walk will help me find it.

umm.

You know when you're told something and there's that generic emotional response that is supposed to happen with everyone, well it didn't happen for me. I was told about the miracle of life tonight with a very close friend. The most wonderful miracle there is on this earth, and I was happy, sad, mad, angry, jealous, upset, sick, etc. Why wasn't I just happy? A friend pointed out that it's just my only child reaction as if I was getting a sibling and not going to be the only. It's much more than that!

This is a dear friend that I've known for 9 years now, but seems like a whole lifetime....like when we met we already had a history. I fought hard for the relationship I wanted with this person, and finally felt very good, and secure. I guess you could call it a friendship marriage, if you know what I mean. This year was different, due to over 1000 miles being in between us. I could tell there was some growing apart, but nothing that getting back together on trips didn't rectify. We had made it so basically 2 weeks a year we were together 24/7. By the time 1 of the visits were done we were ready to part having gotten our fill of each other to last until the next time.

Well it's all changing, and very very quickly. I'm gone this summer, so the summer week we usually spend together is gone. The baby will be here around Turkey Day which takes our second week away. See where I'm going with this. There is no time together. Just a few hours here and there. While this might be selfish....I want that time! It was sacred time to me. I got my fix and went on my way. My apprehension is that while it's just that little bit of time, that lost time with seed the growing apart. Two different directions. One a home life and the other figuring out life.

With a baby will there be travel to see me? I think not. It's a big responsibility and one I don't foresee her taking lightly. I think she's settling down....and not really going anywhere anytime soon, despite what she might say. Oh to be at that point and to completely understand. Not to have a life that seems in shambles. One that could work out, or could not.

Hobby

You know it seems as I learn about past musicians that they all seemed to have their hobbies outside of music. I've always wanted to take a photography class and learn what I'm doing so I can take even more pictures that I love. Well maybe someday until then I'll just be happy with what I've got. Here are some of my favs now....enjoy.

Passion...Perfection?

Passion or perfection? Today in rehearsal this dilemma was brought to my attention once again. It's so hard in the music business to figure out which should be your priority because as much as you try they can't both be. As we started rehearsal and run through the massive Mahler 9 I was trying to bring my passion back to the forefront and forget to worry about perfection yet at the same time feel the energy of the orchestra. Sadly the group energy was not one I wanted to be apart of. It was one of cynicism. Instead of being excited to bring out their deepest emotions to the eager audience they were there only to play the notes on the page because they had to. The inspiring words of Zander were lost on the group. People were giggling and making snide comments, but what he spoke was true and from the heart. I can even admit that I was on the lemming bandwagon of being cynical towards Zander, but truly the words he spoke today made me snap out of it. I couldn't be forced to hide my true feelings.We are here to make music and say something. We're not here for perfection. Why must we be so cynical that we completely loose sight of the emotion of music? It really really bothers me; pretty much ruined my day.

As I began to really think about it today I was trying to figure out a way to rise to the top while believing in the things I do. Zander seems to have made it, but so many people make fun of him and don't think much of him. I don't want to be that. I guess I shouldn't care what people think, but knowing what I know about the likability of Zander it hurts me. He's rare, and people can't seem to believe the things he says to be true. For them it can't be true. Nobody could be that real. It's just not possible in this day and age.

I pledge right now that I WILL NOT loose sight of why I'm here. Not perfection, but the passion and conversation I wish to have with people that choose to listen to me. I shall not be crucified for being real and pursuing that hidden emotion waiting to emerge. This pledge means that I may not be perfect, but as Zander puts to eloquently "How Fascinating!"

how does love work?

I don't know how to love! It's such a terrible statement, but it's been running through my head all day. The past few months have been weird...to say the least. It all started last semester when I began dating someone, and I guess I could say it went a little farther than I wanted without a talk about what we were doing, where we were going, etc. It felt good though, it was safe, easy, something I could run to if I needed to. Yet, I began pulling away. Afraid of it possibly. I don't really know. The semester break allowed a few states to keep us apart, and sort of forget what had been. It was nice, and I liked it. No expectation. After the break, and the distance was narrowed to mere miles, I began to find myself making it impossible to hang with. Was I busy, yes, but could I have made some plans, yes. The invitations began to become very few, and pretty much died off as both of us got extremely busy.

Then, (this is where it gets complicated) a friend asks me out to dinner. Me, being the naïve thing I am, think oh, it's just a friend thing. He wants to hang and get to know me. Well that's what it seemed on the surface, that is until there was a second invitation for dinner (which I once again naïvely accepted) It seemed quite innocent, but of course, (never seems to fail) it went to that next level. Considering I still haven't spoken to the first guy and really figured out what we were/are, and what we wanted/want to be, it was a little uncomfortable. The night ended and now I'm left with my mind to figure out what all of this means.

My conclusion about everything is that I'm not "in" to these guys. I keep pulling away for 2 reasons. One reason goes down very deep. It's the fact that I really just don't know how to love. I didn't have the "loving" parents growing up to teach me the way it should work. I had to learn it from movies, and we all know how incredibly inaccurate that all is. Because I grew up on these movies I expect this spark...I expect it to be magic. I haven't had that. The last time I remember having that was in high school when I was first experiencing "love." I think of my first kiss, and how wonderful it was. The first time I truly felt in love.

Am I just trying to rush all this? Have I not given these men enough time, or should I really have that spark that I think I should have? I just don't know. I know, well really hope that there is someone out there waiting for me. Wondering where I'm hiding, but how much longer is he going to wait before he gives up?

Listen to me. I talk as if I'm an old maid! Ha. I'm not, but thinking about it makes me feel that way. I want those butterflies and the feeling of weightlessness because I love someone and they love me back.

Who am I?

Who am I? A simple question most would say. A question most have asked themselves at least once in their life, but most likely multiple times. I don't think it's really a simple question. The answer can be simple, but to really answer the question it becomes quite complex. I could answer with my name, but that's not who I am, that's just a label given to me by my parents so people would have a way to get my attention. I could explain where I'm from or who my parents are, but that's only a small piece of who I am.

A good friend of mine once told me that I was lucky to be going away to college, and shouldn't quickly commit myself to a guy. She said that I should find out who I am first and then I would be happier in my life. She had not done that and felt that she didn't completely know who she was. Well I've done that and I still don't feel like I know who I am. How do I find the answer to this question?

I know I love music. I love playing the oboe. I wish to one day play in an orchestra and bring music to people. I enjoy my family, even the terribly tense moments. I enjoy the few close friends I have. Is that me? Well I guess that's part. I still feel like there is something missing, and it's another half. What some people call "their better half."

small hills now, mountains later

Hmm....well I climbed a small hill this week. I would rightfully say that I worked my ass off! So much that I wore my entire body out. So, after my lesson last Wednesday I was already frustrated and it was the first week of the semester. So, I took that frustration and the frustration about my grade for last semester and attempted to do something productive with it. My choice was good. It was to practice as much as I could possibly do. Plus I was determined to get my embouchure right. I had made some progress over break, but not as much as I wanted because of the long periods of rest. So what was a 20-30 min warm-up became a practice session in itself. By Sunday, I had kept my internal promise to myself to keep working hard. I played about 8 hours. Tuesday was even more, 9 hours! Amazingly by Thursday, lesson day I felt prepared. I had a reed that could do what I needed, and I knew my etudes.

I played my first etude transposed, and then he asked me to play it in the original key. After that we had a long conversation about what he wants to do with me to gain the knowledge I need to splash into the real world. We decided what I'm should be working on and he had my play my first etude again. He said that I played it really well and was happy that he could finally be picky. So the lesson went on and I it ended much better than alot of mine from last semester.

Now my task for this week is to be better or at least as good as last week. It's so hard, and I'm so behind for my level. Grrr. Why couldn't I have started at the normal time and had a great beginning band director? Or at least a real oboe teacher? It's so frustrating, but if I continue to exhaust myself I should get there. Hopefully the exhaustion doesn't come like it did this week, with me forcing myself to go to bed at 9:30 pm only to wake up at 9 am the next morning. Craziness!

Alright.......onward to more productiveness.

as perfection crumbles...

Perfection? I learned as a kid that there is no such thing. Only "God" is perfect. Yet, we all are in the pursuit of perfection. To be the greatest at whatever it is we're doing....at least that's what I've done all my life. In my short time on this planet in this pursuit I began to believe that I had attained a piece or my personal perfection. Yet...as I've been moving through these last few years, the perfection I found and became comfortable with has crumbled.

Growing up in a small town it was easy to shine. To find what appeared to be perfection was easy because what seemed perfect to most may have been, because there was nothing to compare it to. By the end of high school I was on top of the world. There was nothing that could stop me. Sure I wasn't the ultimate "perfect", but I had that piece of it. When I began my undergrad, I learned that I wasn't quite as perfect as I thought I was. People my age or just a few years older could do the same things I could do, and sometimes better. To me that meant, well I've got to be that good, and being young I did that. I put myself back on the top. I regained that little piece of perfection I had worked to get.

Now, I'm in the same situation as I was four years ago, yet working harder doesn't seem to be working. The harder I work the more I see my perfection crumble. Everywhere I walk someone has more of a piece than I have. The perfection that helped keep me on top of th world is no longer there. All I have are the crumbles, and this time the crumbles won't piece back together like soft play-doh. They're hardened and can only be softened by a special solvent. What that solvent is I don't know, but it must be out there. Call me an eternal optomist, but really that solvent has to exist. What is it? Is it hard work? Is it more experience? Age? The right environment? What? Help! I want that piece of perfection!

I should clarify that this "perfection" I talk about isn't the ultimate perfection. It is a combination of confidence, ablity and other things that I can't really describe. So I'm not trying to be "the best". That's not the point, but I guess it's to be the best for me. My best.

Meanwhile I'll pick up my crumbles and save them for the magic solvent.

why so hard?

Life is so overwhelming sometimes. I have ideas of what what want to do with my life but it seems like every time I take one step forward I end up taking 2 huge steps back. I feel like I'm working hard, trying to get what I want out of life, yet I don't feel that I have anything to show for it. There's always someone out there that can do much more than me. Why can't life be simpler. I want to be a musician. That's my simple life want. Why can't I just be a musician? Why all this competition. I'm not saying I want to be handed everything. I do value hard work, but why must it be so hard to get where I want. Where's the reward? I don't feel it coming to me anytime soon, or possibly ever.

Basically I just want to somehow figure out how to work as hard as I want on my career, and have a personal life. I've thought it over so many times and it's just not possible! How do people do it? I don't understand. Right now I'm extremely motivated to make some progress in my playing, but to do that I have to basically shut myself off to the outside world. I eat, sleep, go to school and work, and play my oboe. That's my life, and I think there's one person in particular that doesn't seem to agree with how I'm spending my time. Should I change my concentration for that person? Am I being to selfish right now? Probally, but maybe that's what it takes to get where I want. But, what if this decision turns out to bite me later. If I'm willing to sacrifice that part of my life now will I continue the rest of my life? Am I destined to be alone because of my choices now?

It's so weird when I sit down and think about what I'm trying to do with my life. Most people I've graduated with have gotten married, had a kid, gotten a job, bought a house or something along those lines. I'm not anywhere near doing any of those things! Now I'm not saying I regret it, I definitely have much different goals than those people, it's just so weird that I can't identify with those people at all. They are leading what I consider a simple life. Void of the complications I face, yet, I'm pretty sure that they aren't living complete bliss. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm sure if I asked them they'd say no. So what's the answer? How do you find the middleground? Oh such complication.

Anyway......

It's 2008! I made it another year. New Years day was spent on a beach in Florida....not too shabby. I'm not really sure what the rest of the year will bring. So far I've met my newest cousin. It was so amazing to be around something so new to the world. All she did was eat and sleep, but it was amazing to watch it happen in my arms, well I should say arm. She was so small that I could hold her in one arm! Besides that life, there are two more cousins of mine on the way. One in April and another in May. It's definetly the year for babies. I'll be having another birthday...big 23. I'm pushing closer to the age I've always wanted to be....25.

As for 2007. I'd have to say it was a pretty good year. I graduated magna cum laude from UMKC with my Bachelors. I got into the prestigious Banff Master Class and spent 3 wonderful weeks with Mr Killmer. I was accepted to New England Conservatory and am now attending! I finally left the midwest! Partied in the middle of the street with thousands of other Red Sox fans after they won the series.... I'm sure there's much more that I'm forgetting, but those are the highlights. Hopefully my highlights of 2008 will prove to be even better!