Life is so overwhelming sometimes. I have ideas of what what want to do with my life but it seems like every time I take one step forward I end up taking 2 huge steps back. I feel like I'm working hard, trying to get what I want out of life, yet I don't feel that I have anything to show for it. There's always someone out there that can do much more than me. Why can't life be simpler. I want to be a musician. That's my simple life want. Why can't I just be a musician? Why all this competition. I'm not saying I want to be handed everything. I do value hard work, but why must it be so hard to get where I want. Where's the reward? I don't feel it coming to me anytime soon, or possibly ever.
Basically I just want to somehow figure out how to work as hard as I want on my career, and have a personal life. I've thought it over so many times and it's just not possible! How do people do it? I don't understand. Right now I'm extremely motivated to make some progress in my playing, but to do that I have to basically shut myself off to the outside world. I eat, sleep, go to school and work, and play my oboe. That's my life, and I think there's one person in particular that doesn't seem to agree with how I'm spending my time. Should I change my concentration for that person? Am I being to selfish right now? Probally, but maybe that's what it takes to get where I want. But, what if this decision turns out to bite me later. If I'm willing to sacrifice that part of my life now will I continue the rest of my life? Am I destined to be alone because of my choices now?
It's so weird when I sit down and think about what I'm trying to do with my life. Most people I've graduated with have gotten married, had a kid, gotten a job, bought a house or something along those lines. I'm not anywhere near doing any of those things! Now I'm not saying I regret it, I definitely have much different goals than those people, it's just so weird that I can't identify with those people at all. They are leading what I consider a simple life. Void of the complications I face, yet, I'm pretty sure that they aren't living complete bliss. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm sure if I asked them they'd say no. So what's the answer? How do you find the middleground? Oh such complication.
Anyway......
It's 2008! I made it another year. New Years day was spent on a beach in Florida....not too shabby. I'm not really sure what the rest of the year will bring. So far I've met my newest cousin. It was so amazing to be around something so new to the world. All she did was eat and sleep, but it was amazing to watch it happen in my arms, well I should say arm. She was so small that I could hold her in one arm! Besides that life, there are two more cousins of mine on the way. One in April and another in May. It's definetly the year for babies. I'll be having another birthday...big 23. I'm pushing closer to the age I've always wanted to be....25.
As for 2007. I'd have to say it was a pretty good year. I graduated magna cum laude from UMKC with my Bachelors. I got into the prestigious Banff Master Class and spent 3 wonderful weeks with Mr Killmer. I was accepted to New England Conservatory and am now attending! I finally left the midwest! Partied in the middle of the street with thousands of other Red Sox fans after they won the series.... I'm sure there's much more that I'm forgetting, but those are the highlights. Hopefully my highlights of 2008 will prove to be even better!
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