love? is really out there?

The world is an amazing place, with such amazing things to experience everyday we are alive. As I get older I experience new things all the time. One thing that is new every single time is love. There are so many different ways to experience love and it is something that one can experience everyday if they just pay attention. It's in movies, in the animals outside your window, and in strangers you meet. I love my friends and family and my music, but there is always one love that for me has never come. True love.

Maybe I'm just a bohemian in search of some fantasy true love. I don't know, but I have this ideal that it will come and once it does, once I find it life will be so amazing that I will wonder how I could possibly have lived without it. As I write this I run it over in my head and think about how crazy it sounds, but also how wonderful it sounds. I constantly see people who truly love eachother. In my eyes it looks like true happiness, that nothing else could be needed.

I wonder when will that happen to me. I'm 22. I can't really say that I've been "in love".....whatever that means. Sure I had some relationships, but was it love? Nah. I dream of falling into love and not knowing it until I'm up to my head in it. Is that possible? I guess so. In love I don't know that it's safe to rule anything out.

Love it always on my mind, but I guess I decided to put some of my thoughts into writing because of what has been going on in my "love" life these past few months. I finally went on what I would call a real date. We had small talk, getting to know eachother. It was nice, yet I'm embarassed. Embarassed of falling in love? Hmm...seems kind of weird for a girl that dreams of falling in love. I think there's more to this. Could it be that I don't believe it could happen to me? Or maybe that I'm too scared to get in too deep for fear of failure? I don't know but something is keeping me from this feeling of love, even if it's not love that will last a lifetime.

You can't find that love of a lifetime until you find any love at all. When will that be? I'm waiting! wanting! Find me!

Christmas love

Well another Christmas is here. It's hard to believe. I really am starting to feel old because the happiness and kid like feelings I used to have for Christmas are almost gone. Sure I get excited, but not nearly as much. Instead of looking forward to the new toy I'm getting, I look forward to being with people that really mean something to me and performing for people, as I did all weekend.

Anyway, I'd like to talk about last night. I ended up eating dinner at a very good friend of mine. He's a wonderful person and almost like a father to me. The dinner was me, my mom, him and his wife. We spent about 5 or 6 hours eating, drinking and talking. We talked the gamut in those hours. I ended up learning alot about him, and felt myself feeling closer to him than ever. That father feeling became stronger. It truly was a wonderful time!

This morning as I was beginning to regain conciousness from sleeping I was dreaming some very vivid dreams. One thing I remember from it was being in his arms. It was so comforting. The power of his touch, of his arms around me was amazing...and it was a dream. It was as if all my fears, depression, problems had been taken away. So tonight, I gave him a long hug after the service and it was, for some reason, a magical hug. I don't know if it was just me, or what, but I know now something better than ever. I love him. I fell in love with him last night. This man is a wonderful man and I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

Besides learning how much I love him, I also learned something about me. I think that if he was my age, and single I would be very interested. I realized how I fall in love, because that's what I did last night. And the big thing, that I know what I'm looking for. Only problem, I haven't met a guy like that, who is my age. Might be a problem! Ha! Anyway, I'm so glad I had that wonderful evening and that I realized how much I love him as a person, father figure and friend.

Merry Christmas.

It's December!

It's December! 30 more days and it'll be a new year! So wild. What a crazy year it was too. So much happening in the way of change. Auditions, graduating, leaving KC, moving to Boston, new school. Wow! The next year can only bring more change and great things along with it! I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by, especially these last 3 months or so. I've been so immersed in the new life that I lost track of the hours, days, weeks... I'm facing 11 days and then I'm home! Amazing! I really can't believe the time!

So today I had my easy day of work from 12-1 and then I was finished for the day. It was a rather normal day at work. The usual question answering, checking books in/out, etc. After I left and was heading home I was in such a good mood. I have no idea why. It was just a very pleasant walk through Boston. The weather wasn't anything too special, chilly and windy. I'm not so sure, but it was a nice difference from the usual dragging myself home with negative thoughts of the day. I wanted to just walk all around the city all day! If only every day could be so happy and exciting.

Here's to December! May it bring happiness and lots of snow! : )

Time? Where can I find more?

Where does the time go? Why does it seem to slip by before I can catch it in my fingers? It's so frustrating. I would love for time to stop so I can do the things I want for this moment and then start it back up and go. I was just looking at my calendar for the next month. Ahh! is all I have to say. So I have these two weeks of school left. Shouldn't be that big of a deal. Write a paper, take a quiz, play the oboe. When I get home it's crap on top of more crap. As soon as I get home, rehearsal, next day rehearsal, off day, rehearsal, two concerts, head to Illinois... It doesn't end! I enjoy all of the "crap" I'm doing BUT when do I relax? I'm not finding it. I have these auditions to be thinking about but it seems like no time to prepare or even record the tracks. Hmm....Ahh!! On top of this mom wants to take a trip. What? You say, well there's the relaxing. Nope. Still practicing. Have to. Nothing else can be done. What have I gotten myself into? Will there ever be a time I can be away from the oboe long enough to relax or have I set my life up for no relaxation? I don't really know. I always say it'll happen when I get that big job, but is that really true? I'm not so sure. There's always something. Always. Ok I'm stuck! I'll deal.

Life's rollercoaster

It's very interesting how quickly my outlook can change. Yesterday I was not feeling too great about myself and what I have decided to devote my life to. I practiced that morning and really didn't feel good about what I got accomplished. I was toying with the idea that I had made a terrible mistake and should just suck it up and find something else to do with my life. I was actually ready to quit music! I got to my class and listened to a great lecture that first got my musical interest peaked. Then we had our usual performance and it was so amazing. Usually I sit and listen and it doesn't really get me too excited. It's just another master class performance that I have to sit through. Well this gal got up and it started out a little rough, but soon she got comfortable and just played the hell out of her violin! It was so awesome. I began listening, and wanted to do that! I wanted to just play the crap out of my oboe. Not for McEwen, not for my audience, just for me. That's all that should matter anyway. It's my creation, not theirs. If they don't like it, then that shouldn't bother me.

After that class I was feeling pretty good. Much more lifted than when I had arrived with thoughts of quitting altogether. So I made my way to the Jordan Hall Building to sit in on the last hour of the Renée Fleming master class. I don't completely care for her voice, but I respect everything she has done and especially what she has to say. I was able to hear two singers and it inspired me to once again make music. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was that I once again wanted to be up there performing or that she had some wonderful things to say. Whatever it was I was beginning to climb to the clouds.

So as it ended I headed upstairs to set in for a nice long practice session....what would prove to be the last before my lesson today. I got into a nice secluded room and kicked off my shoes, got my stuff out and began. I told myself: Ok you've got 3 hours to make these four etudes perfect. If it takes 3 hours so be it...if not, then I guess I have some time to burn! It was like magic. I started slow, working on stuff that just wasn't right. Slowly that stuff got fixed. Within an hour and a half I had worked through all 4 and felt very confident about them. I knew that I could walk into my lesson and play them! That's such a great feeling!

Today, I get into my lesson and I did it! I played the crap out of my etudes! Were they perfect? Hell no. I'm not perfect and never will be. What I did do, is play them very well with some minor things to fix in each of them. That's what McEwen is there to do right? He's there to find the bad things in my playing and fix it. I even got a "nice" while I'm playing because I had surprised him on my interpretation of an etude. The lesson was great. He asked me to do something and for the most part I could do it. There are some things I need to work on this week, but not anything I can't handle. I'm hoping that my last 2 lessons this semester go the same way, and I can leave Boston with a nice taste in my mouth to propel me into the nex semester.

So in a matter of a day I went from thoughts of quitting to being up in the clouds! It's wild, but I like it. I'm now motivated to push myself hard to what I want!

To top it all off tonight I managed to get 2 free tickets to the BSO concert with Renée Fleming and it was AMAZING! They began with excerpts from Berlioz Romeo et Julliette. I'd never really heard that piece but it really had some very nice moments. The next piece was a premiere by Renée Fleming. It was amazing. I have so many of her cds, but to hear her live is such an amazing experience. I think since they were french she took a different approach to them. Her voice was so light and floaty. I loved it! She also sang some Duparc songs. Then the final piece was La Mer! Such a great piece. It was so nice to hear Ferrillo play it. Too bad it wasn't before I had to play it! Anyway, tomorrow is another day to get awesomazing!

Winding down....or Winding up?

Well Thanksgiving break was great! I was able to spend a nice amount of time with family that I enjoy passing the time with. They were great about letting me sleep and do the things I wanted or needed to do. Thanksgiving day's weather was so nice that Doyne and I went on a nice long walk in the park. K was watching football all day and only came up for liquids and to quickly talk to us!! The dinner was a wonderful sit-down dinner. (Much different from the normaility in Missouri) A huge turkey, sweet potatos, dressing, cranberry jello, slaw...it was yummy! Friday we did the hometown thing with the tree lighting ceremony. Saturday I think was the best because it was on a whim that we ended up where we did. Doyne and I were headed to the oldest Cider Mill in the country for nothing else but....cider and soon we were headed for Rhode Island and then ended up at this wonderful beach. It was so peaceful and relaxing....that is until the cold wind found me....so we headed back. Then my relaxing world was taken from me as I returned to the hustle of Boston.

So now I'm quickly wrapping up my first semester as a masters student at NEC. It doesn't seem like it's already time for the semester to be over. Of course I'm not stopping the semester from ending, but it's just so amazing how quickly it flew by. As of now I have what seems to be little to worry about for the next two weeks. I have a term paper to finish, and lessons to keep up with. I'm hoping with all this extra time I can get alot of things accomplished. We'll see if that happens.

It's interesting thinking about this semester. I think it has probably been my hardest to date. There was alot of adjustment. Mostly adjusting to my new teacher. He's completely different than my previous one, which is great and what I need but sometimes very hard to swallow with my personality. My hope is that I end the semester on a good note and can start sailing when I get back in January. I really want to get as much out of this experience as I possibly can before its gone. Two years seems like nothing compared to undergrad or anything I've ever done. Plus this experience can either get me completely ready to get a job or can just be some wasted time.

Here's to going out and working my butt off for what I want the most......success in music!

Long time....still kicking

Well it's been almost a year since my last post. Maybe good...maybe bad. Who knows? Life has sure been interesting. A short summary: I went back to school and finished my senior year of undergrad. Auditions went well. I got in to 2 schools out of 5. Not too bad for a girl from a town of 4000. I was forced to choose between a school that was going to ask for 2 grand a year and another that had a great name and in a great city. I chose the great name and city, New England Conservatory. (might have been the right choice...who knows) I also got in to Banff Music Festival for the summer. Great time! No words can describe... I graduated and everything was great!

Well in reading some of my posts from last year I realized that I'm still very much that same person I was just a year ago. Sure I've grown older, learned some more things, but really I'm the same. I'm still searching for all those lifelong questions....why am I here? Am I fufilled....etc. Do I think I'm closer to the answers? Maybe. It's hard to say. Life is such an interesting journey. I'd like to know what's around every corner and what lesson I'm to learn today, but I don't. I try to take it all as it comes in. Since moving to Boston I've adjusted to the new city and the new life that I have to lead and I've taken it all in stride. It's the farthest away I've been from my immediate family, and truthfully it doesn't really bother me. It's the farthest away I've been from the place I know the best....yet there's something familiar about the place I'm now calling home and the people I call my neighbors.

As I write this it's the eve of America's day of thanks. I'm not thinking about what I'm thankful about as much as thinking about life in general. There are so many questions to be asked and so many answers to come. Which ones to ask first? I guess I'll find out when the time comes to ask a question.

Right now I'll keep on pushing along, searching for my answers to whatever question I decide to ask. Life is full of surprises, mysteries and whatever else you can think up. I guess I'm thankful for that. Otherwise why live a life?