love? is really out there?

The world is an amazing place, with such amazing things to experience everyday we are alive. As I get older I experience new things all the time. One thing that is new every single time is love. There are so many different ways to experience love and it is something that one can experience everyday if they just pay attention. It's in movies, in the animals outside your window, and in strangers you meet. I love my friends and family and my music, but there is always one love that for me has never come. True love.

Maybe I'm just a bohemian in search of some fantasy true love. I don't know, but I have this ideal that it will come and once it does, once I find it life will be so amazing that I will wonder how I could possibly have lived without it. As I write this I run it over in my head and think about how crazy it sounds, but also how wonderful it sounds. I constantly see people who truly love eachother. In my eyes it looks like true happiness, that nothing else could be needed.

I wonder when will that happen to me. I'm 22. I can't really say that I've been "in love".....whatever that means. Sure I had some relationships, but was it love? Nah. I dream of falling into love and not knowing it until I'm up to my head in it. Is that possible? I guess so. In love I don't know that it's safe to rule anything out.

Love it always on my mind, but I guess I decided to put some of my thoughts into writing because of what has been going on in my "love" life these past few months. I finally went on what I would call a real date. We had small talk, getting to know eachother. It was nice, yet I'm embarassed. Embarassed of falling in love? Hmm...seems kind of weird for a girl that dreams of falling in love. I think there's more to this. Could it be that I don't believe it could happen to me? Or maybe that I'm too scared to get in too deep for fear of failure? I don't know but something is keeping me from this feeling of love, even if it's not love that will last a lifetime.

You can't find that love of a lifetime until you find any love at all. When will that be? I'm waiting! wanting! Find me!

Christmas love

Well another Christmas is here. It's hard to believe. I really am starting to feel old because the happiness and kid like feelings I used to have for Christmas are almost gone. Sure I get excited, but not nearly as much. Instead of looking forward to the new toy I'm getting, I look forward to being with people that really mean something to me and performing for people, as I did all weekend.

Anyway, I'd like to talk about last night. I ended up eating dinner at a very good friend of mine. He's a wonderful person and almost like a father to me. The dinner was me, my mom, him and his wife. We spent about 5 or 6 hours eating, drinking and talking. We talked the gamut in those hours. I ended up learning alot about him, and felt myself feeling closer to him than ever. That father feeling became stronger. It truly was a wonderful time!

This morning as I was beginning to regain conciousness from sleeping I was dreaming some very vivid dreams. One thing I remember from it was being in his arms. It was so comforting. The power of his touch, of his arms around me was amazing...and it was a dream. It was as if all my fears, depression, problems had been taken away. So tonight, I gave him a long hug after the service and it was, for some reason, a magical hug. I don't know if it was just me, or what, but I know now something better than ever. I love him. I fell in love with him last night. This man is a wonderful man and I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

Besides learning how much I love him, I also learned something about me. I think that if he was my age, and single I would be very interested. I realized how I fall in love, because that's what I did last night. And the big thing, that I know what I'm looking for. Only problem, I haven't met a guy like that, who is my age. Might be a problem! Ha! Anyway, I'm so glad I had that wonderful evening and that I realized how much I love him as a person, father figure and friend.

Merry Christmas.

It's December!

It's December! 30 more days and it'll be a new year! So wild. What a crazy year it was too. So much happening in the way of change. Auditions, graduating, leaving KC, moving to Boston, new school. Wow! The next year can only bring more change and great things along with it! I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by, especially these last 3 months or so. I've been so immersed in the new life that I lost track of the hours, days, weeks... I'm facing 11 days and then I'm home! Amazing! I really can't believe the time!

So today I had my easy day of work from 12-1 and then I was finished for the day. It was a rather normal day at work. The usual question answering, checking books in/out, etc. After I left and was heading home I was in such a good mood. I have no idea why. It was just a very pleasant walk through Boston. The weather wasn't anything too special, chilly and windy. I'm not so sure, but it was a nice difference from the usual dragging myself home with negative thoughts of the day. I wanted to just walk all around the city all day! If only every day could be so happy and exciting.

Here's to December! May it bring happiness and lots of snow! : )