changing

I find it very interesting how quickly life can change for people. Today I learned that a person very close to me could possibly lose her job because of one vote by a company. She is living a good life right now. For the most part no worries, or problems...just working alot. Soon she could be out of a job and not sure what to do with her life. It really makes me think what could/will happen to me in the years to come. I am going to school to be a musician, but as I know that's a very scary business. There are not always guarantees of money to be able to pay for things like rent and food...the basics. I'm going to school to give myself the chance to make a living as an orchestral musician, but the road to get there is so expensive...paying for auditions and all the oboe materials I need to play the oboe are enough to make me broke. I wonder if I can really make it.

Tonight I had dessert with a dear friend of mine and he is always very philosophical with me and trying to make sure I'm doing what I love and it's not just to make people happy and like me. He talked about the book The Why Cafe which poses the question of why we are here on the earth...why do we exist on the earth. Being older he's had much more time to figure that out, and has, and is comfortable with it. I on the other hand, being much younger and still really at the beginning of my life don't have a great grasp on why I'm here. I generally figure I will know when it hits me in the nose. I like to think that it has to do with making music for many people across the world, but I really don't know for sure. He had his wife read it and she told him she didn't know why she was here. She taught music for 30 years and enjoyed it, and for most of her life thought that was the reason for her existance, but now in her years she's not really sure. It's just so interesting how you can think you know and not know at all.

We make so many decisions in life from which movie to watch to what should I do with my time on this earth. It's very hard to know whether or not the decisions we make today are going to be the correct ones later in our lives. Because things can change so quickly and we don't have much control over them we can look at past decisions as bad. Are they really? Or do they just not fit in with the changes that come at us so quickly?

I don't really know the answers to these questions, and I'm not sure I ever will. I have made many decisions in my life and I try not to look back on them and regret them because that was then and this is now. I can't do anything about the past. It is what it is. As I look to my future I see graduate studies, but I don't know where, and that uncertainty is very unsettling. Will I make the right decision? Will I practice enough to be accepted to these great schools in which I applied? I don't know. I just don't know. All I can do is take one day at a time. Use those one days to push myself to one ending goal that I am really not sure what it is. Happiness at death maybe? I don't really know. I guess what I'm trying to say is live in the moment. Don't wait for life to happen...make it happen.